The best I can do today
As I sit and watch the sun go down tonight and await being a witness of tonight’s lunar eclipse. I sit and reflect on the question “what is the best I have done today?” Honestly, I can write a list. It’s been far from one of our most wonderful days. It’s been a home day. I had some things I needed to do today so my children watched tv more than usual and I left as soon as my husband came home from work. Previously, I would have felt guilty about their screen time, guilty that we didn’t have any family time after their Dad came home from work but instead, I can comfortably sit in the peace that today I did my best, despite not being the best version of myself.
I have been asking myself this almost daily for many months now. It was inspired by a moment. Or a whole string of moments that cracked me open. Open to see the goodness in me instead of constantly thinking I could have done more/better.
I was in my hometown of Wales, this picture, this reflection, captured by my 5yo son whilst we had gone for a walk to climb a tree that we had found the previous day. I laid on the grass whilst my 2yo got comfortable wedged between 2 tree branches with binoculars to her eyes, looking for birds. She wanted to play a game of me being close and then turning them around and me appearing super far away so I had to pretend to shout saying “Thea I am over here”. We were all laughing whilst my son decided he wanted a break from climbing and he wanted to take pictures. My initial response was to was to stop him and encourage him to continue playing without my phone. In that split moment I stopped and said “sure, go ahead”. I realised, this was an opportunity to see this moment from his perspective. To see what he sees.
Later that evening I discovered the picture on my phone and cried at my smiling face engaging with my daughter. You see, I had been incredibly grumpy all day. I had cried a couple of times as I felt a deep sadness move through my body. There was a lot within my body at that time that needed the space to be felt and processed and I am learning to navigate that in front of my children in the most healthy way possible.
The truth is, I felt I had been grumpy most of the day, disengaged and most definitely a day where I did not meet my own standards on what I feed my children. Yet, by giving him the space to document his own day, I saw a glimmer into a moment that he may remember more than the moments that I had been grumpy today and hadn’t showed up as the best version of me. Or maybe, his best version of me is completely different to my own expectations.
This moment at the tree was multilayered and fun. I didn’t realise how much I enjoyed it until I saw his perspective of me. I was probably running stories about how much of a boring Mum I was for not wanting to play with them and not climbing the tree WITH them.
But the truth is, in that moment, that was the absolute best I could do.
So darling woman, when you’re being hard on yourself, when you’ve had a shit day and you feel you haven’t had much to give, ask someone you love and trust to tell you what they’ve seen in you today.
Our walk to the tree that day, turned our day around, dinner was easeful and filled with connection and bedtime we spent journaling, writing stories and cuddling. There were moments throughout the day I raised my voice, I absolutely was not engaged but this picture highlights to me I AM DOING MY BEST. Today, the best I had was a walk to our favourite climbing tree and lay in awe and wonder of my children if only for that brief moment.
Since starting to ask myself this, I have so much love filling my body. I’m in awe of myself in how I show up. I’ve taken pictures of moments where I realise, this is the best I can do today. Whilst equally acknowledging and holding myself accountable for my own energy and choices in how I respond and show up. The difference is, my focus isn’t only on what I didn’t do.
Most recently, after a chaotic morning getting my children to their programme whilst juggling a million things, I raised my voice in frustration of getting ready. Once we arrived. I apologised. Before picking them up I cleared space in my day and lay in the garden on the grass. I focussed on my breathing and allowed myself to ground. I knew that the morning hadn’t felt pleasant and I was responsible for how I showed up. So I asked myself, “what is the best I can do right now?” I decided to set up a foot bath just before I left. When I met them I told them I had a surprise for when we got home. It escalated pretty quickly and before I knew it they were both full body IN the foot bath. It allowed space to connect after a rushed morning and the time to heal and repair. It made for a pretty fun impromptu bath time before dinner. There isn’t always such space in our busy world but simple acknowledgment of how each day we are absolutely, without a doubt doing our best.
What did you do today that highlights you gave today your absolute best? It may not be the best you have done on other days but what can you celebrate yourself for for knowing you gave it your absolute best shot?!!
I am proud of you beautiful human. Keep going. Someone is looking at you right back in awe and wonder whether you’ve been in your pyjamas all day and barely left the couch or whether you’re climbing mountains, nailing to to do list and smashing your goals.
I trust you are doing the best you can do in every given moment, with the tools that you have.
All my love
Amie
